So Damned Emo: Something About Megumi Hanajima!
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: Welcome to the first 'M' rated Megumi fic, EVER! It's basically the same as the other 'Inside The Mind Of...' stories I've written, but it's with Megumi. It's also a sick tribute to all the characters who don't get mentioned much.
1. I Silenced The Lamb!

**A/N:**

**I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long for this.  
I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me...  
And to bask in the awesomeness of this story,  
Rather than trying to shoot me up on the block, DAWG.**

**I dedicate this story to Mina, my best friend, who says my stories are cooler than porn.  
To Angel-san, because she has a vine she bought from Wal-Mart.  
And to Brenna, because she likes buses and various other objects.**

**NOTE NOTE NOTE READ IT: This story is like a tribute to the characters who get mentioned once or twice in the anime and then aren't heard from again. The popular characters aren't heard from much, just so you know.**

**So! Without further adue (I can't even spell the damn word), I give you...**

**SO DAMNED EMO: SOMETHING ABOUT MEGUMI HANAJIMA!  
THE FIRST "M" RATED MEGUMI FIC EVER!**

-

Last night, I had the strangest dream.

I was on the road to China, to go and multiply-ah.

But you said,

-

"I have to get my laundry clean."

"My electric signals say you're lying."

"Megumi, you don't have electric signals."

"..."

-

What does this mean!?

-

"It means you got the lyrics wrong. Brother, the verse actually says, 'in a little row boat to find ya'."

"... Oh my."

-

Nothing is going to break my stride!

No gay guys are going to hold me down!

Oh no!

-

"Brother, I hate to interrupt again, but the lyrics-"

"Look, I'm going to sing the song how ever I want to, alright?"

"... Tally ho, then."

"Cheerio."

-

Oh, would you look over there?

It's the Sohma boys and their little female friend.

-

"Yo, Megumi. What-cha doing?"

"Yo momma."

"..."

"Yeah, I'm just the much of a necrophile."

"... A necro what what?"

-

Ah, what's all this then?

The stupidity of everyone's favourite "riceball" has been revealed?

-

"Uh, um, Megumi... I'd really appreciate if you didn't say such mean things about my sissy."

"Kisa? I didn't know I was in your class."

"Oh... um..."

"Your hair is weird. And so are your eyes."

"..."

-

Another reveal-ness-thing.

I was the one who silenced the lamb.

-

"Silence of the lambs is an AWESOME movie!"

"... Yes. Yes it is."

-

We had a new kid transfer to our class the other day.

Apparently he's Kisa's cousin, or something.

-

"HALLOW, MAH NAYAME-AH BOOORAT!"

-

But I'm starting to think not.

-

"EYE HAVE-AH CHEEKEN IN MAH BARG."

"You like chickens?"

"AHHH, YEAS!"

"I curse you with the curse of the Rooster from the Chinese zodiac! Booorat!"

-

That's how Kureno really broke free from his curse.

-

You're on the road and now you're plain as gone,

The road behind was rocky, but now you're feelin' cocky.

-

"Braaah-kaaah!"

"What the bloody Akito Sohma?"

"Braaahk! I'm a CHEEKEN!"

"..."

"MAH NAYAME ISH KOORAHNOE ARND EYE WOOZENT INN DA ARNIMEH."

"I'm not surprised."

"... (emotional)"

-

You look at me and you see your past.

Is that the reason why you're runnin' so fast?

-

"Ah, no... Megumi... did you forget today was the school triathalon?"

"Look, is today 'Let's Annoy The Crap Out Of Megumi Day' or something?"

-

Here we are, just-ah walkin' down the street singin'-

-

"OOOH-BAH-DI-BI-DI-BI-DUM-DI-BI-DOH!"

-

There she was, just-ah looking at-ah me, singin'-

-

"OOOH-BAH-DI-BI-DI-BI-DUM-DI-BI-DOH!"

-

And now you know the problem with walking down the street with a choir of mind readers behind you.

**A/N:**

**Okay.  
That was a pretty lame first chapter.  
But you guys still love me, right?**

**... (unloved)**


	2. Kurenu Flu OMG, WTF, BBQ?

**A/N:**

**This chapter is called... "Kurenu Flu OMG, WTF, BBQ?"...**

**Because it sounds cool and rhymes. **

**Also, I know Kureno's name as an O not a U… **

**BUT! The title wouldn't rhyme if there was a U. **

**SO HA! **

-

The bird flu epidemic is swooping across this great land, bringing foul disease to the cluckiest of families.

-

Puns intended.

-

"Megumi, that was rather insensitive of you,"

"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!"

-

And then I was all,

"GIRLFRIEND, YOU DID NOT JUST!"

-

But she DID just.

-

Once again.

-

The truth of it is, I'm Batman.

-

Dunna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna,

MEGUMI-MAN!

-

That's the ticket!

-

"That's very un-hxrdcore/scene of you."

"No one asked you, Isuzu. Now, if you don't mind, I do believe I have a date with hate."

"Fate?"

"Mate."

"Irate."

"Set the record straight."

"Sing it, brother!"

"Let us go forth and multiply."

"… You whacked our gangsta moment, you bastard!"

-

So much for being a scenester.

-

Have you ever SCENE that advert with the man calling his son about the house?

-

And this chick is all, "This wouldn't happen in Australia,"

And then he decides to move?

-

That add is pretty lame.

-

"Why do you say that?"

"Australia doesn't really have better coverage than the rest of the world, it's just a scam to make people move their as their economy can one day be as large as America's. Australia is always trying to upstage America. It's rather pathetic, seeing as most people can't understand a word they're saying…"

"…"

-

I heard Kisa was once in an impotency commercial.

-

"Say Larry, how is it you have all that lovely chest hair and rich, potent testicles?"

"Well, Anita, the truth is, I take Viagradone. It gives you a lot of hair and a lot of what you need down there. So what are you waiting for, loser?"

-

The truth is, Kisa was Larry.

-

"You promised you'd never tell!"

-

I was Anita.

-

"BRAAAWK! EYE ARM DA CHEEKEN OF DA ZODEEARCHZ0RZ!ONE!"

"… Kureno?"

"KURENUUUU!"

-

I wonder if Kureno has bird flu.

-

"Kurenu the bird flu!"

-

OMG, WTF, BBQ?

-

An idea just came to me!

-

As the sexual, hunk of African-Japanese rapper I am, I shall produce a new hit single!

-

"It's always with the gangsta's and the rappers, isn't it?"

"Pretty much."

-

I had to ask Kimi to come rap with me, because she's ALL good.

-

She bought out a single just recently.

-

HEY HEY!

YUN YUN!

KIMI DOESN'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

NO WAY!

NO WAY!

KIMI THINKS YOU NEED A KNEW ONE!

-

That's basically it.

-

"You ridin' wit me, beeyatch? No diggin', no dog, yo! DROP IT LYKE IT'S HAWT!"

"Translation, please."

-

TRANSLATION OF THE ABOVE, GANGSTA-FIED SPEECH.

-

"Are you messing with me, bitch? No respect, no sex! So drop your clothes and strip tease! You're hot!"

"… I see."

-

The TRUTH OF THE GANGSTA has been revealed.

-

OH, YOU!

KURENU!

BIRD FLU!

OMG, WTF, BBQ!

-

Someone once told me the problem about posting lyrics on the Internet is that no one knows the tune but you.

-

"FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!"

-

Please suck my penis?

-

That's rather polite for a GANGSTA HOE.

-

God, I feel like some tacos.

-

"As you wish, Megumi!"

"Pipe down, Akito!"

-

I curse you to review.

**A/N:**

**That's… pretty much it.**


	3. LOL! The Chapter Without a Real Name

**A/N:**

**I wrote this one four days before I posted it.**

**Sorry about that. (not)**

-

I woke up this morning and decided my life needed to be more like a talk show.

-

So I invitied in a heap of those losers who no one really hears from much anymore.

-

"So, Kakeru... What would you say to me if I told you I did your mom last night?"

"You have herpes!"

-

That went well.

-

"Kyo, if you could be any animal, what would you be?"

"Horny."

"..."

"Oh, wait..."

-

Haha.

He forgot he's cursed.

-

"What's your favourite pick up line, Nao?"

"I always go to ladies and say... 'I have a file, but I forgot how to open it. It's under the title, "PANTS.ZIP". What should I do?'... gets them every time, I swear."

"... You really are a lonely, computer geek, aren't you?"

"tear."

-

EMO NAO.

-

Beats Emo Kureno or Emo Akito or any other Sohma name with "emo" at the start.

-

And then I remembered, "Hey. Don't those Sohma's have their own religion?"

-

Or something...

-

"Akito... does your religion have that 'no sex before marriage' rule, or what?"

"Do I look like a virgin to you?"

-

Well.

That certainly answered my question.

-

Hey, is this a piece of paper?

-

_Ask Haru what sexuality he is._

_- Isuzu._

-

Isuzu is really a man, you see.

-

But she was too PUSSY to ASK herself.

-

Puns intended.

-

"There wasn't any puns..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A VIRGIN TO YOU?"

"... tear."

-

"Haru?"

"Yeah, little psychic kid?"

"What sexuality are you?"

"I'm... bi..."

-

The term 'Bisexual' is the politicly correct way to say you fuck anything.

-

"That's not nice."

"I'm about as nice as your face."

"... Is that a compliment?"

-

Isuzu is such an idiot.

She isn't even in the anime.

-

Which is why her and Kureno always hang around my place.

-

"Isn't it said we weren't in the anime, Megumi?"

"Yes... quite upsetting..."

-

If only they knew!

-

Holy crap.

I just came up with the best suicide plan EVER.

-

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna go up to the top of a roof, string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level, tie a cord to my foot and the other end to the building so that I'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched."

"And then?"

"Then I'll put super glue on my hands and put my arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch my head. Then I'll lean forward, so the piano wire cuts my neck but not my elbows. When the cord goes taut, I'll be hanging upside down with no head... except my head will be in my outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere. And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE!"

"... I don't think I can be your friend anymore."

-

I don't understand.

What did I say wrong?

-

"Megumi, your little friend Sarah died today."

"Oh, is that so..."

"Yes... sh-she... her head... OH, THE TRAUMA!"

"..."

-

Holy crap. xD

-

"Hello there! I'm a teenage girl!"

"If you had pre in front of your teen, I would SO stalk you."

"... Waaah! Mommy!"

-

Serves her right.

Thirteen year old hookers have no place on this planet.

-

ST. JIMMY!

-

I think I might feed my dog Viagra and leave him alone with my sister.

-

"Excuse me?"

"Yes... Saki, it's time..."

"Oh. Joy."

-

Kimi visited me again today.

-

"Megumi! Megumi! Kimi has has something you just HAVE to have!"

"Your ass?"

"..."

-

Pretty much.

-

So, anyway, I was speaking with Haru again after Isuzu slipped a note after my bathroom door while I was in the shower.

It read,

_Ask Haru what he calls a penis._

_- Isuzu._

-

This is getting unusual.

-

"Say Haru, what do you call a penis?"

"I prefer 'blood-engorged mayonaisse cannon' or 'yogurt slinger', myself."

"Whoa. Haru knows too many colourful synonyms for 'cock'."

"I'm bi, remember? It's my job to appeal to both sexes."

"I drew the line at 'blood-engorged mayonaisse cannon'."

-

After that, I went and annoyed Hiro.

-

"y0."

"Pardon?"

"I'm starting to suspect, Hiro Sohma, that you are not 1337!"

"1337? I'm only 15!"

"..."

-

I just turned and walked away, then.

I couldn't even walk straight I was laughing so hard.

-

I just got the best spam message EVER.

-

"Want to make dollars fast?

Press shift and hold down 4, for fast dollars now!"

-

Yeah.

-

Today, I realised Asians must reproduce differently to everyone else.

-

Seeing as every drop of sperm either goes across a ladies breasts or up another mans ass crack.

-

"BUKKAKE!"

-

Exactly.

-

So how does an Asian reproduce?

-

"They adopt from poor American families who already have eighty kids of their own."

"Good point."

-

Did I tell you my idea of injecting heroin into your balls, so when you ejaculate, it's heroin...

-

And then the chick will think you just gave her the most amazing orgasm in the world, and she'd become addicted to sex with you?

-

"I would like to join your monthly newletter,"

-

: D

-

Incest.

-

"You wouldn't find INCEST wrong if you had cousins as sexy as mine!" is the Sohma family motto.

**-**

**A/N:**

**That was rather unusual, wasn't it?**

**I guess I was bored.**

**Now that I'm even more bored, I'm going to write a fanfic called "The Sohma Family Motto"...**

**... Tomorrow.**


	4. OPTIMUS LIME vs EMOSES

**A/N:**

**BE WARNED:**

**THIS CHAPTER MAKES FUN OF RELIGION.**

**It also makes fun of Transformers, but I think religion is the bigger concern here...**

**This is basically based off some random quote I found on the internet and a conversation I had with my best friend, Mina.**

**-**

Have you ever been taking a bite out of this juicy, tender roat meat roll when some rabid Sohma runs up to you and screams,

"STOP EATING MAH SISTAHHH'S AND BRUDDA'S,  
FOR DAY ARE DA FUTURE,  
DON'T MATTAH IF DEY R BLAKK OR WITTE,  
FLABBY OR TITE.  
DAY MAH BRUDDA'S AND SISTAHHH'S,  
YA HEAR ME!?"

-

"..."

"I'll take that as a no then."

-

I met this really nice girl the other day.

She was really nice.

-

"What was her name, brother?"

"I think it was Machi, or something. She knows the Sohma's."

"Oh yes... Machi Kuragai..."

-

You see, my sister has this tendancy to feed cat meat to people I meet on the street, got me beat, DAWG!

(breaks into song and dance)

-

"Why must you always break into things, Megumi!? CAN'T YOU JUST DO THEM NORMALLY!?"

"How do you expect me to do a house, huh? A _house._ You can't 'do into' a house, mother! You can only _break_ into it!"

"... Touche."

-

The word 'touche' looks stupid without the weird 'e' thing.

Almost like... tushy.

-

"I like your tushy, ma'me!"

"Why thank-you!"

"(slaps ass)"

"Ooooh yeah! (breaks into song and dance)"

-

How that works, I'll never know.

-

There's this new TV show, right?

It's called, "Border Security".

-

It's basically a TV show where drug addicts who are too high to remember where they are and what the day is get busted for carrying drugs on planes and boats while trying to go overseas.

-

"Oooh! That sounds exciting!"

"About as exciting as your 'super spectacular extra-fantastical' sundae's, Tohru!"

"... Huzzah! That must be a very exciting TV show!"

-

She doesn't understand sarcasm.

-

"And you don't understand the meaning of, 'SECOND CLASS CHARACTERS ONLY', Megumi!"

"Working class hero is something to be!" (3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u, who becomes my best friend later on in the chapter.)

"Fine!"

-

TAKE TWO.

-

"Ooooh! That sounds exciting!"

"About as exciting as your 'super spectacular extra-fantastical' sundae's, KIMI!"

"... Huzzah! That must be a very exciting TV show!"

-

There.

-

Anyway, as I was saying, this TV show basically is about--

Wait, I already told you.

Never mind.

-

"Megumi, you should like... ya know, like... and then... like... whooooaaaa."

"Lay off the coffee, Nao. For some reason, it makes you less awake and more high..."

-

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

-

"What is it, Megumi?"

-

Well.

The other day, the funniest thing happened.

-

"Yes?"

"Shhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

-

I was in the city with Machi, who by the way, is a HUGE Transformers fan, and we saw this gigantic lime green truck pull up in front of us with a Transformers sticker on the front.

And I shouted,

-

"OPTIMUS LIME!"

-

At the top of my lungs, because it seemed appropriate at the time, ne?

-

"Ne."

"We are the nights who say ne!"

"NO! YOU SAY NI! STFU!"

-

And Machi got into this big... fit of hissyness.

-

"n00000... lYk3, d0n'T 3v3r m4k3 fUn oF 0Pt1muZZ0rXx Pr1m3 4g41nn!!oneone!!oneone!!rageoftheone!!11!!111!!12213i476327465!!"

-

And I said,

-

"Poop."

-

And that was pretty much the end of that whole ordeal.

-

"Hey, little psychic boy."

"Yes Haru?"

"Well... I need to ask you something."

"Yes?"

"Well, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0 won't leave me alone and I was hoping he could CHILLAX with you today."

"I would say yes, but I am forbidden to CHILLAX with first class characters."

-

And then I had this awesome idea that would change my life forever.

-

"Why don't we just change his name?"

"Good idea!"

-  
And so, that is when 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0 became 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u.

-

**Please note, if you already spell Kyo's name "Kyou", to make 'name change' segment funny, you may just want to imagine it says "Kyo", okay? Alright then. I just want what's best for all, OKAY!?**

**-**

"So, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u, how are you today?"

"Emotional."

"... That's great."

-

I informed him of the TRAVESTY that is "Optimus Lime".

-

And he was all, "Whatever."

-

So, to get through to his true, 3m0 spirit, I told an emo joke.

-

"Who's emotional, likes animals of the same sex being in close quarters and parts things down the middle?"

"... Me?"

"No silly! EMOSES!"

-

Emoses is like the real Moses, only like, ten times more 3m0/emo.

-

"I think I've found religion."

"That's very good, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u! I wish you great happiness!"

-

And so, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u fluttered off the to Sohma church to mutter about Emoses while Akito sleeps.

-

When there's trouble you know who to call...

-

"Teen Titans!"

"WRONG, BITCH."

-

He'll fly along and save the day...

-

"Wonder Hound!"

"WRONG AGAIN, BITCH."

"Then whom? WHOM, I ASK YEE!?"

"... Bee Jay."

-

You see, Bee Jay is 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u's hero.

Because he's a super hero.

-

"Bee Jay, away!"

"Wait, Mr. Bee Jay! You gonna put a record on, yeah! We're gonna bury this town tonight... (breaks into song and dance)..."

"YOU'RE NOT THE LEAD SINGER OF COBRA STARSHIP!" (3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u)

"Uhm, what is it?"

"What are you super powers? I must know!"

"Well, my penis is excalibur!"

"..."

-

And then I realised, "Wait. Isn't excalibur that huge, shiny sword that can penetrate anything with ease?"

And then I realised, "Oh yes. His penis MUST be excalibur."

-

"Yes!!"

-

And so, with that over and done with, it was down to one final battle.

-

OPTIMUS LIME vs EMOSES!

-

"Haha! You're a scrap of metal! I can rust you in moments!"

"..."

"Animals! Prepare your bladder-stations!"

"(transforms)...(feels like a Sohma)..."

"... Gasp!"

"MUUUHAHAHAHA. FOR I AM OPTIMUS LIME! I SHALL BURN YOUR EYES OUT WITH MY CITRIC GOODNESS OF FOURTEEN DIFFERENT VITAMINS AND PROTIENS."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

-

All in all, the fight was won by a shoe horn.

-

The end.

-

"Wait, that doesn't even make sense! What kind of an ending is tha-- ARRRGGHHHH! CITRIC ACIDS!"

-

**A/N:**

**Yup.**

**That's basically it.**

**: D**


	5. Chick Magnet? NO! Freak Magnet? YES!

**A/N:**

**(I used to be Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma)...**

**I'm in the process of writing a random story called  
... "Inside The Sick Mind Of: OYASHIRO-SAMA"...  
But since there's no Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni section, I can't post it. (sad)**

**Chapter Five: Chick Magnet? NO! Freak Magnet? YES!**

-

(insert evil laughter here)

-

"Megumi! How could you?"

"Simple. Open my mouth and-"

"Fine, I get the picture…"

-

I went for a walk, to get some fresh air.

When suddenly.

Out of the blue.

-

"Do you like to dress up?"

"Huh…?"

-

Freaks always approach me.

Forget chick magnet.

I'm a FREAK magnet.

-

"My name is Mine."

"… Your name is yours?"

"…"

-

Obviously, people do not understand my sophisticated sense of humor.

-

"Guess what!"

"No Kagura, we could NEVER guess what's inside YOUR head."

"Well, I thought it was obvious."

"It is. Ever heard of SARCASM!?"

-

I guess not.

-

Apparently, Mine works for another one of Tohru's friends… Ayame.

He's a bit of a cross dresser.

And he likes to make dirty, slutty dresses.

-

"That's amazing!"

"Cram your pie hole, juice-bag!"

"Stop watching highly Americanized television, MEGUMI!"

-

So this girl, Mine, she dragged me into Ayame's store and proceeded to tell me about how she made a black gown for my sister.

-

"Oh yes, and the orange haired boy was a prince!"

"Ah, that must be dearest 3m0 pUnK-p0s3r Ky0u."

"Would you like to dress up too? Dressing up is fun…"

"Um…"

-

I tried to run away, but Ayame himself caught me.

-

Man! He feels like a woman!

-

"…"

-

On another note, Mine wasn't the only freak that was magnet-ed to me this week!

-

"Whom else? WHOM, I ASK YEE?!"

"Chill… Geez."

-

Welcome to the jungle!

We got fun and games!

-

Moving on.

This next freak addressed me as follows.

-

"Excuse me, little black haired boy?"

-

I mean, if you go to Japan, walk down the street and shout that, every damn little boy will turn around!

Everyone's hair is that colour…

-

"Not in anime, it isn't!"

"We're talking about real life here, Kisa. This is ALL REAL LIFE STUFF going on, not some fantasy anime. Please, get a grip on reality! GRIP IT, I SAY!"

"(emo tear)"

-

Anyway, I turned and she smiled at me.

-

"My name is Minami. I believe you cursed me a while ago?"

"Oh, yes. You were disturbing my sister, weren't you?"

"Yes… yes, I was. But now I have realised, I am deeply in love with you!"

-

… I told you, didn't I?

-

Chick magnet? No!

Freak magnet? Yes!

-

"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

"OMG! THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS! DO I SMELL BAD, OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE EVEN YUKI AND KYO SAID THIS TO ME!"

"Um, no… you smell quiet nice…"

"THEN WHHHY!?"

"Well, basically… I'm fourteen and you're seventeen."

"(emo tear)"

-

Freaks, freaks, freaks.

Come and get your freaks.

They're warm and toasty.

Yum on the roasty.

And not at all meek.

-

"Megumi?"

"What is it now, Saki? How did you get out of that locked closet?"

"I wanted to know where I could get a roasted freak from…"

"Um… China."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

-

The last freak on my list is… Ren Sohma.

-

She asked me if… well, just scroll down and see!

-

"Hello, little boy…"

"(squeal) WTF!?"

"Would you like to break your curse? It'd be lovely to hug someone, wouldn't it?"

"What are you on, lady?"

"All you need to do is get the box… the box, I say!"

-

Yeah.

In the end, Kureno came and took her away, claiming she'd forgotten her pills.

-

So next time you think you're a ladies man, or a man's lady, or a ladies lady, or a man's man…

Just remember!

-

IS IT THAT YOU'RE A LADIES MAN, OR A MAN'S LADY, OR A LADIES LADY, OR A MAN'S MAN…

OR IS IT THAT YOU'RE JUST A FREAK'S MAN, OR A FREAK'S LADY?

HUH?

IS THAT IT?

-

"Shutup, Megumi!"

"NEVERRRR!"

-

…

… Okay, I'm done.

-

**A/N:**

**So.**

**Are YOU a freak magnet?**


	6. More Intense Than Forgetting How To Sit

**A/N:**

**I was watching an episode of "Family Guy" and I felt bad I hadn't wrote a chapter in a while.**

**And so, I present you with this.**

**The title comes from the particular episode of FG I was watching.**

**The full title for this chapter is **_"More Intense Than The Time I Forgot How To Sit Down", _**but I had to shorten it to...**

_"More Intense Than Forgetting How To Sit"_** because the longer version didn't fit.**

-

What's this?

Gay marriage?

Hoola-hoops?

Caramel cod?!

-

"What's this? What's this? There's color in the air! What's this? There's white things in the air!"

"It must be Mardi Gras!"

-

How Nao managed to come to that conclusion, I'll never know.

-

Nao is my friend. He's a lonely sea-captain.

-

"I am not! You've been watching too much of The Simpsons!"

"You look exactly like the sea-captain..."

"... Right, and you're the Queen of England."

"REALLY?!"

"..."

-

After Nao got me all excited and then disappointed me so badly with false information about me being the Queen, I decided I really WAS going to be the Queen.

THE QUEEN OF MARDI GRAS!

-

"Whoa! This is more intense than the time I forgot how to sit down!"

(cue flashback with me attempting to sit, but tackling and chair and falling face-first into a coffee table)

-

"Oh, Queen of Mardi Gras! What is your first proclamation?"

"I proclaim that Ayame has enough rolls (of fat) to open a bakery, but Akito would but him out of business!"

"... Hooray!"

-

Ayame and Akito decided to join a weight-loss clinic.

Nao and I decided to join them. For moral support, I suppose.

-

"That's it, chubby! Move your fat ass! Move it! Move it, move it! Move it like a fat, polaroid picture!"

"Nao! You're getting into the groove, my man!"

-

It's times like that I seriously wonder what is wrong with the world.

-

"WHERE IS THE LOVE!?"

"That's not a cue for the members of the Black Eyed Peas to burst in here without permission!"

"(sad)"

-

Have YOU made Hatori sad today?

Huh?

Have you?

-

I didn't think so.

-

"Neither have you!"

"Hatori isn't the African-American rapper from Black Eyed Peas?"

"..."

"I seriously thought--!"

"You've changed, Megumi. CHANGED FOR THE WORSE!"

-

Has anyone here ever seen that anime called "Moon Phase"?

It's pretty funny.

-

"Vampires turn you on, don't they, Megumi?!"

"Not really, no."

"... I see."

-

Hazuki makes me be all, "SUP, MAH HOMIES!"

She's like a pimp.

-

"Big Brother, I command you as my sex slave, to lay down some sugarrrhhh to da shor-tayzz."

"... What?"

"I need blood! The blood of a virgin!"

"Wait until you get your period, or something."

"... Eh? ... OH! GAH! HOW COULD YOU!?"

"(giggle snort)"

-

I can SO see that happening.

-

"Disgruntled!"

"Stop saying that, 3m0 pUnK p0s3r Ky0u!"

-

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

-

SquareSponge PantsBob!

-

"Wrong lyrics! Disgruntled!"

"I said STOP!"

-

Absorbing and yellow... and uh... the rest of the words.

-

BobPants SpongeSquare!

-

Okay, I'm over it.

I'm gonna go eat some taco.

-

Taco; the food of the emotional.

**A/N:**

**That took up ten minutes of my day.**

**And it gives that warm, rewarding feeling.**

**Huzzah.**


	7. WARNING! Suicide May Result in Death

**A/N: **

**Sigh...**

**I was meant to be writing a Death Note parody like this one for Raito, but then I'm like, "Fuck It." and didn't.**

**Instead, I bring you this.**

**It's... a little awkward, to say the least.**

_WARNING! Suicide May Result in ACTUAL Death_

-

Suicide appears to be the 'latest craze' around here, huh?

People are doing it left, right and center.

-

Example:

"You there, emo kid with a gun. How may I help you?"

"By dying. (shoots up shopping mall)"

That guys suicide note said, _"I went out with style."_

-

I mean, honestly.

It's been done so many times, you can barely call that amazing.

-

"Someone I knew died in that shooting!"

"Dear Obviously-American Reader. I hope you now understand that suicides may result in ACTUAL death."

"Really? I thought it was just an attention-seeking device."

-

You see, folks, suicide is actually a form of death.

It's not meant to be used to make friends, appear popular or to get sympathy from complete strangers.

-

No, suicide is your way of telling Akito,

"YO BITCH! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT! QUIT, DAMN IT!"

-

It's just like that, too.

Ask 3m0 pUnK-p0s3r kY0u, for example.

-

"You there! 3m0 pUnK-p0s3r kY0u! What are you doing in my house?"

"I quit, damn it."

-

Except, his cuts were for attention and barely scratched the skin, like that of Charmaine and Nikki from the Mighty Authoress' homegroup class.

-

"HOW DARE YOU!"

-

People are so easily offended by the littlest things.

-

"Do I look good in this dress?"

"Well, apart from the fact I can see your Christmas Ham thighs, your chubby knee-caps and your sock-liner ankles, you're stunning."

"... (suicide)"

-

Why ask?

WHY ASK.

-

"I curse you to never ask again."

"Megumi, I don't think the point of cursing someone is telling them..."

-

Hatori wouldn't understand.

He shouldn't even be here.

In fact, Akito was going to say that until Mighty Authoress forgot her name for a second and couldn't be bothered to backspace and change it.

-

"I thought I told you not to tell anyone my horrible secrets!"

"I thought I told you not to tell anyone about my very small penis!"

"... Megumi, your penis isn't small."

"Oh yeah. That's right. I must have been thinking about Kureno's. It crawls like a worm from a bird."

-

BAH-BOOM TISH!

Talk about humor.

-

"... I don't get it."

"Er, well, Kureno is a bird, right?"

"Right..."

"And is dick is small and worm-like, right?"

"Right..."

"So... his dick, the worm, crawls from the bird, which is himself."

"... I don't get it."

-

Gaaah.

Some people are so stupid.

-

"Gerard Way is like Indian Curry; he's hot, foreign and if you get too much of him in your mouth, you'll choke."

"... Dear GOD. WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?"

-

Just remember, kids.

A note from your good pal Megumi.

SUICIDE MAY RESULT IN ACTUAL DEATH.

Do not try it at home.

SERIOUSLY!

I don't need to go back to jail for not leaving a warning.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO GUYS LIKE ME IN PRISON.

**A/N:**

**Rape!**

**Okay... er... hope you enjoyed.**


End file.
